Archive for March, 2008

So, we had our first public restroom potty session with Avery…  Twice.  The child won’t go near a freakin’ potty at home, but go out in public and what happens…  She’s never done that before.  Or since.  THANK GOD.  It was Friday night at dinner.  I’m still thinking about it.  It was frightening.  Truly frightening.  I layered and layered and layered the potty with paper, but was still extremely worried about her touching.  And, what about her little legs dangling down?  How do you prevent the backs of her bare legs from touching the front of the toilet where pee runs down it????  What about the bottoms of her pants touching the pee spattered floor???  I wouldn’t let her hold on, either.  She had to hold my hands.  Oh.my.god.  And, after all of that, nothing….  She did at least toot, so maybe she really was working on something.  I guess it’s progress… 


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Just Sayin’….

If you come to my door during the day, and I’m here alone, or with my children, and I don’t know you (and you aren’t UPS with my wine shipment,) I’m probably NOT going to open up my door for you.  Sorry.  And, if you act all shitty about it, you better believe I’m going to tell every neighbor I know not to use your lawn maintenance services.  Asshole. 

And, here’s another good little piece of advice for you, if you do decide to go door to door trying to sell something or promote your business, you might want to clean up just a tad.  Scary, dirty men are not going to get much business during the middle of day, during the week, from knocking on random doors.  You must not have a wife.  

We get the odd salesman out here, and I do not answer the door for any of them.  I mostly try and not go to the door at all, but if Avery beats me to it (the doorbell rings and she’s off like a shot!) I usually just say no thanks through the glass…  There have been a couple of times, with super pushy ones, where I have lied and said I didn’t have a key or the baby is crying and ran…  However, the key fib doesn’t work so well with Avery, either.  I’ve used that one and had her jumping up and down yelling “YES, YOU DO, MOMMY!  I SEE IT!  IT’S WIGHT DEWE IN DA WOCK!” 

Anyway, this dude today acted like a total jackass about it.  He looked at me like he was shocked and then gave me the little “Aww, come on” look, so I said, again, “Sorry.  Not interested.”  He really looked like he was about to fly off the handle and was pissed.  I seriously thought he was going to cuss me out.  For not opening MY door for him.  I’m in my house, I’m home alone, it’s my choice to make.  I don’t even need to make an excuse, I have the right to not open my damn door for whoever I please.  And, seriously, half the people that come by look scary.  I don’t get it…  But, dude, whoever you are, you can bet your sweet, dirty ass that I will tell every mom out here of your behavior and you won’t get any business from this neighborhood.  So, there!

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We took off yesterday and headed to the zoo. Avery had a blast. We all did! It poured rain on us most of the day, but that cooled it off and thinned the crowd out. The zoo still made a fortune in ponchos, though.

The lion that came right up to the glass…


The gorilla getting ready to eat… I made the Mister push on past before that poor zoo worker had his limbs ripped off…


Avery loved the otters! She stood there pleading with them for a long time… “HEY, OTTEWS! HEEEEY, OTTEWS! PWEEEEAAAASSSEE GET IN DA WATEW!” They were so freakin’ cute.


The orangutans were a lot of fun to watch, too!


Avery taking a dragon ride…


Bubs hanging out in the stroller…


My three babies, Henry, Avery, and the Valco, and me…


It was a great day and I can’t wait to take our Little Jack Hanna back. We spent lots of time at pretty much every exhibit…  Except for the petting zoo.  We diverted her attention to the kangaroos and cruised on by that one.  Not enough Purell in the world….  Plus it was raining…  Double yuck.  Wet sawdust with goat poo stuck all over our feet AND animal slobber covered hands.  NO THANKS!  Anyway, her eyes were huge and mouth agape the entire day. It was so much fun to see her and to know that she shares our love for animals.

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This piece is entitled “Elephant with bird on back plays with ball.”

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Tonight is bunko, or drunko as the Mister likes to call it…  It’s really just an excuse for some of us girls to get together and eat and drink and laugh and say fuck a lot…  It’s a dice game that takes no skill whatsoever.  And the more you drink, the funner it is.  You also have a chance to win some money.  We all put $10.00 in the pot and there are 12 ladies.  However, because we have a few gals that have the ‘everyone deserves to win, everybody should get a trophy’ mentality, we split the pot waaaay too many damn times. 

I’ve played for years and we used to split it two ways.  That was GREAT.  You could win $80.00 or $40.00.  Now, we have like six splits.  Seriously.  Maybe even more…  If you were looking to win some money, then this group is not the group for you.  It sucks.  There is even a “loser roll-off” where everyone who didn’t win something gets a chance at $5.00.  Come on.  Life isn’t fair.  Sometimes people win, sometimes people lose.  Sometimes people excel at things and are just better than others.  Or work hard and get better…  They DESERVE the fucking trophy.  You shouldn’t have to share your win.  I think a few of us are about to form a coup and take over and restructure this friendly little politically correct group.  We’re gonna shake that shit up.  Those little pansy asses are going down… 

And, not splitting the pot isn’t the only problem with this group…  The fun is slowly being drained away…  Every month someone gets offended by something, gets their feelings hurt or says or does something shitty to someone else.  There is always drama.  (And it usually revolves around the same one or two people…)  I don’t want to be politically correct or censor myself or worry who I am offending with my potty mouth when I am with my girlfriends, ya know?  It also sucks to have your very precious and rare girls’ night tarnished by drama.  And, by god, I want to win some damn money!  I never win and when I finally do, I only get my measly $10.00 back.  What kind of shit is that?!?!?  

The dynamics of this group have changed so much over the four years we’ve been together.  It’s really time to reassess and make some major changes.  Maybe even form two groups.  The laid back, good time havin’ group and the stuck up, stick in the mud group…  It used to be a lot of crazy fun.  And, it used to be all of my closest friends.  Now, it’s an odd mix.  A very odd mix…  My how time changes things.

Let’s see…  We have:

The seriously judgemental, gossip that talks about whoever it is she is not around at the moment.  She also loves to try and make you feel badly about yourself.  Oh, and she is a total name dropper, pretending to know even god.  I fear that, not only does she “know” everyone, she knows their bank account passwords and their social security numbers…   The Mister swears she has everyone’s phones tapped.  Total snoop…  She is almost pure evil and her husband and children live in fear.  I could go on about her forever…  She’s a peach. 

There’s the nosy bitch that worries constantly about what people say and think and obsesses way too much about what above bitch thinks of her.  She also loves to try and make people feel badly about themselves, pointing out any and all minor imperfections in you or the cleanliness of your house…

(Both above gems are also know-it-alls, making it even worse…) 

There’s not only one, but two, prissy pants moral policewomen secretly looking down at everyone and judging their godliness and parenting skills.

There’s the beauty queen that is always dressed to the nines and has perfect hair.  For bunko.

There are also a couple of just plain ol’ goody two shoes, who are easily offended and just taken aback by bad language, sex talk and drunkeness…  I’ve never heard these women cuss… 

There is the one that gets out of control and tells wild, detailed, waaaay tmi stories about her life.  Especially her sex life.  Sorry, I don’t need to know that much about you or your boyfriend.  Your Suzie and exactly how you like her stroked, is not something I want described to me in detail.  However, even with major overshares, she’s still pretty funny. 

Then there’s the rest of us…  Ready to have a drink, say whatever in the hell we want to and win some damn money.  Give me a for real girls’ night, please!  I don’t get them often enough.  I want to make them count.  I swear we are going to be gathering up the troops and taking our getting hammered and talking smack night back.  Just you wait! 

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Yeah…  That lasted 37 minutes.  I found her running around naked, demanding a pullup.  Any suggestions?

Edited to add:  We tried again…  We had this big throwing the yucky pullups in the trash ceremony and danced and had a treat…  She was totally psyched about wearing her big girl panties.  We cleaned up four puddles of pee and then decided to put the pullups back on. 

I don’t think she’ll ever care.  The child can get soaked and just keep right on playing.  It’s a total control issue for her. 

EDITED AGAIN:  Had to edit the title of this entry because I kept getting all these pervs searching for “panties” finding this entry.  Hopefully, when they realized what they were looking at, they moved on… 

And, sadly, these are just about the only people reading my blog today… 

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Boring Assssss

I’m boring as shit today…  I got nada…  I’ll try to come back and post something interesting at some point…  It’s gorgeous out and the kids are running on no nap.  This morning should have clued me in on how busy I would be today, and busy does not necessarily mean productive. 

Please do come again…

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