Archive for March, 2009

Baby Talk…

The Mister is out of town, and I have my first ultrasound tomorrow…  I’m so excited.  My hCG levels have been great.  So great, in fact, that they bumped my ultrasound up from Friday to Wednesday…  And if you know anything about hCG levels (which most normal people don’t, that comes from years of fertility treatments and overanalyzing every little thing about your body and/or your pregnancies,) that’s GREAT. 

HCG is the pregnancy hormone.  It is supoosed to double every 48-72 hours.  My numbers are really doing fabulously.  So not only did they bump up my ultrasound, some people are even starting to place bets that I’m carrying twins.  Oh.my.god. the irony of that!  Can you imagine?!?!?  Two IVF babies and then TWINS.  ON MY OWN. 

So, we’ll know tomorrow.  I’m thinking one, sweet little baby and not twins.  But, I did have a dream that they saw two.  And we were so excited.  Am I crazy?  Yes.  We would totally be excited.  But, wow.  Four kids.  Two of which would be the same age.  Two newborns at the exact same time.  Two two-year-olds at the exact same time…  Two four-year-olds at.the.same.time…  Avery and Henry and two babies.  Wow.  That’s all I can say.  (I’ve said that a lot since last Wednesday.)  We would seriously be thrilled, though.  No matter how hard the work.  And how many shitty diapers.

Avery has gone bananas over this baby…  She hugs it and talks to it.  One day she decided it could hear her better if she yelled at it down my throat.  She had me open my mouth and shouted into it, “Hey there sweet baby!  This is your big sister Avery!”   She is also convinced that it’s a girl.  She’s the one that wished on stars almost nightly for a baby.  And not just a baby…  A baby sister.  So, she’s convinced, and she might be right… 

She has also named the baby, if it’s a girl, Super Piper.  What do you guys think about that name?  Super Piper.  It kind of has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?  And the Mister’s brother and his wife are expecting as well, a month before us, how funny is that, and Avery named their baby Silly Sally.  Silly Sally and Super Piper…  She should totally write a baby name book…  She rocks at naming babies.

So that’s another really neat twist to the story…  That our baby and my brother-in-law’s baby (their first) will be only one month apart (if that.)  Avery and Henry only have one other first cousin, and he’s ten, so it’ll be neat to have them so close in age. 

My in-laws are really excited about it all, and probably a bit glad that one newborn will be in Iowa.  (Not glad that they live so far away, but that’s a lot of newborn…)  The night we told them, my father-in-law sat up in bed and said, “Holy shit!  Both my daughters-in-laws are pregnant!”  Two newborns within a month of each other is probably a lot for any grandparent…  Imagine if they were both in the same state.   

Anyway, we’ll find out tomorrow if we need to come up with two names…  What goes with Super Piper???


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The Giveaway…

Okay, the official Giveaway post will be up later, but…  I was thinking (I’m totally going to be a comment whore on this,) that every time you comment, you get an entry.  It’ll help both of us out…  I’ll get lots of comments that will make me feel all loved and special and you guys have the chance to get drunk off a nice bottle of wine and get a couple of other lovely goodies…  I’m adding a nice little thing or two to the winner’s loot to go with that niiiiice bottle of vino…  I’m working on that.

So, since I’m a Giveaway Virgin and all, does an entry for each comment seem like a plan or should I come up with something a little more creative?  I was trying to make it easy, since I’m so lazy.  Especially now…  I don’t want to have to do too much thinking or any judging of sonnets written to my beauty and smarts or anything like that…  Simple is sometimes waaaay better.  Hell, not sometimes, most times…  When you’re lazy as hell, that is…  And I think I’m totally going to let Avery draw the names and film it.

Keep an eye out for the official post, because that’s when It’s On!  I’m still working on some of the grand prizes…  I promise to make it good, my friends.  You deserve nothing but the best.  (And I totally mean that.)

P.S.  I know I’ve fallen behind in giving the comment love myself, and I promise to rectify that today…  I’ve just been so.damn.tired.  And busy eating olives.

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I Can See You…


Just so’s ya know…  I can see who reads this blog.  (You know who I’m talking to…)

All the rest of you, carry on and ignore this post, please!  I swear I’m not closely monitoring you guys… 

I’ll be back this afternoon with our First Annual Where Is My Mind Giveaway ideas!

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Happy ERD!

No beer today, though…  Unless I can get the Mister to say cheers for ya…  I’ll say cheers with my Sprite.


Now, let’s enjoy some Friday Search Term Fun!

ultra saggy tits (I don’t have tits to be saggy…  Maybe I’ll get some knockers with this baby, then they’ll deflate.  I just don’t know how saggy a nearly-A cup could possibly become…)

exploding boobs  (It can happen to you.)

guacomole  (This shows up often on my search terms…  It doesn’t usually make the cut for FSTF, but it’s on here this week.  Man, does some guacamole sound good to me right now!  Mmmmm.  I may have to make some.  And eat it.  All of it.)

saggy empty tits  (Again, I’ll keep ya posted.)

internet stalking  (Internetz stalkers are no fun.  I know, I’ve gotz one.)

nutri grain breakfast of champions  (No, that would be oatmealSpecifically, oatmeal eaten right out of the packet, without being cooked.  Or, if you prefer, being poured straight out of the packet into your coffee…  Nutirgrain bars!  HA!)

injured employees at big lots  (Big Lots is one nasty ass place.  But I do go there occasionally)

grease and alcohol  (They go hand in hand, people.  This does not need explaining…  Any good drunk knows this…  It’s called Krystal or Waffle House after a night of heavy drinking…  You need all that grease to absorb all that alcohol.  Or else you’ll feel even more like shit than you already will.)

ass cracks  (Here’s all I’ve got…  The Mister does like to take pictures of ass crack, though.  Especially if I have any showing.)

mommy’s panties  (Mine will be getting much larger in the coming months.  I have a feeling that’s not what you were looking for though, was it?  You are sick on so many levels, my pervy guest.)

how to handle nosy neighbor  (Hmmm….  You can write them letters or take up smokingI mostly write letters…  Lots of them.  But I’m willing to try the smoking bit, after the baby of course, if it will help.  Especially if it’s pot.)

exploded nipples  (Huh?  Can your nipples explode?  I mean, if they are chicken cutlets, sure, but regular boobs???  Can they do that????)

exploding boob job  (That would suck.  That would actually do waaaay more than suck.  And require stronger pain meds.)

the pipe cleaner shannie’s sweet shop  (Hardy, har, har…  Bitches.)

explode all over her  (Wow!  This week, we’re the Explosion Blog.  This one is of the sticky, nasty explosion variety I’m afraid.)

im a little teapot tea pot set toy  (Well, if you do happen to get one, you might want to keep it away from my little boy’s ding-dong…)

best way to clean shit clothes  (Hmmm…  I mostly just throw them away.  BUT, if it’s something I don’t want to just trash, I run it under water (while wearing gloves) to get the shit off, then spray the hell out of it with Zout and throw it in the wash.  Or just put it in the Mister’s pile of clothes that he was about to wash for himself.)

my son loves playing with his penis  (Hence, the ‘don’t buy the tea set and bring it to my house’ warning…)

nipple shield  (Ack.  I’d forgotten all about these things…  Shit.  I haven’t even thought about the whole breastfeeding failure thing…  I’ve had two of those.  Henry and Avery were fed breastmilk for as long as I could stand it…  Mostly pumped and fed through a bottle…  Wanna talk about sucking?  And I don’t mean the baby…  Then we moved to formula.  My boobs do not cooperate.  Okay, maybe it’s not the Explosion Blog, it’s the Boobie Blog.)

“spread eagle” ass balls  (That’s a very lovely visualThat is now burned into my brain.  And yours.  You can thank me later.  And wish like hell that you can unsee things.)

picture of “i’m a little teapot’  (Well, it’s not really a little teapot, but it was blog appropriate for the entry entitled “I’m A Little Teapot.”)

dementia diaries  (Days 1 & 2…  Sweet old Mema in her crazy, mismatched clothes and blue brow liner…)

kristine’s diary by gman  (No clue, but when I googled it I got some S&M story, referring to sexual partners as “Mom” and “Dad.”  I didn’t read much.  That’s not my thing…  Especially when you are referring to sticking your penis in one of your parents.  Now had it been just regular old down and dirty, raunchy porn, I’d of read the hell out of it.  And how the fuck did they wind up here????  Maybe that’s who was searching for Mommy’s panties…  )

nip alcohol  (Yep, because I’m PREGNANT.  But, you know what’s funny…  I think the past two days, I’ve missed caffeine more.  I’m tired, my friends.  T-I-R-E-D!  Let me get through this weekend and a part-ay with the Mister’s family, though, and we’ll reassess…)

Okay, that’s it for this week’s edition.  Sorry it was short.  But I hit you up with some good linky-lous…  And I pulled up some serious golden oldies for ya, too…  It’s the best I could do…  I’m tired.  And I want to go eat some more olives.  And some guacamole…

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I’m Here Today…

But just not sure how in the hell I can top yesterday’s entry! 

And, I’m tired.  Holy shit.  Pregnancy narcolepsy has already set in…  But, we are very thrilled and Avery is super excited that all of her wishing on stars almost nightly has paid off…  Of course, she wishes for a baby sister, so we’ll have to see about that part.

The families have been told and a few select friends, so the cat’s out of the bag!  We’re still waiting to tell the majority for a few weeks…  But, we are seriously in new baby mode and that’s all we talked about all night long.  With big giant grins on our faces.  I think the Mister feels especially manly and proud.  Don’t tell him I said that, though…

Anyway, I promise to not let the pregnancy consume me or the blog…  I’ll only tell ya the funny, or disgusting, stuff and we’ll carry on as normal.  As soon as I eat some olives…

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Yeah.  You guys remember me telling you that I had to have some testing done on my liver and how afraid I was that they were going to tell me to quit drinking?

Yes?  Well, I do have to stop, but that’s not exactly why… 

This is:











Ummm…  Yeah….  That would be exactly what you think it is.  And, ummm…., yeah…  My two kids are both in-vitro babies….  After years of fertility drugs and treatments…  We didn’t think we could even get pregnant on our own, and we certainly weren’t trying…  Or even having sex that much.

I’m still in shock and the Mister is kind of just stammering around and not really making much sense.  Of course, I’m ecstatic, but shocked.  Very shocked.  Shocked….  Yeah, shocked is a very good way to describe it.

The Mister doesn’t want to tell anyone yet, either.  I’m not a keep-it-all-in type of person, kwim?  I told him I was putting it on the blog and he yelled, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!”  He said he just found out and he needed time to absorb it…  I don’t need to go telling the whole world yet…  But I said that I just found out myself and that I wasn’t telling the whole world, just the blog…  And a few friends.  And maybe his mom…  And my brother…  And possibly my uncle…  He’s not happy with that, but I have no idea how he expects me to keep it all bottled up.  I’m not like him in that way.  At all.

Anyway, we’re shocked.  Very shocked.  But, very excited all the same… 

So, while the verdict is still out on whether or not I have pickled my liver (I did have that ultrasound done this morning and will meet with the doctor next week,) I did find out that I am quite capable of making a baby without fertility drugs or actually having sex…  (The no having sex part is very much like fertility treatments…  That’s a story for another day…)  And we’ll soon find out how I cope with being pregnant with two little ones at home…  And how I cope without any alcohol…  Or caffeine…  Or Xanax…  Shannieland will be as dry as a bone while we’re baking up a new little addition to the House of Insanity.  Wish us all luck.  Especially the Mister.

And now I’m so tired I can barely stand it…  Maybe it’s from the shock… 

P.S.  If you know me in real life, I apologize if you found out via blog rather than from me personally…  AND, since I’m only telling a very, very small handful of people, please don’t spread the word too far…  We’d like the honor…  We’ve never been able to surprise people with the news of a baby!  Wow!  A baby! 

And no beer…  For ten or so months… 

But, another baby!  Wow! 

Okay, the shock is really setting back in… 

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Because I think I need one.

Although, my house is pretty spotless from having a partay this past weekend…  But, I’m afraid I can’t keep it that way without some professional help.

One day last week, my mother-in-law rang the doorbell…  We let her in and Avery excitedly, but quietly, asks me, “Mom, can I say it?”  I had no clue what she was talking about, so I asked her what she wanted to say…  “You know.  Can I say it now?  Please?”  I asked again what she was talking about…  “You know, ‘ignore my house!’”  was her response.

I stifled a laugh and she turned to my mother-in-law and said, in her very best hostess voice, “Come on in!  But, ignore my house!” 

I must say that a lot…  For the record, though, my house is never really that bad…  (Except for maybe the Mister’s bathroom.)  That’s just my way of saying, ‘please overlook the pile of laundry and the toy explosion.’  But, the fact that Avery thinks that is what you say when you greet anyone at the door, makes me think I better either stop saying it or make sure that the laundry chair is clear.  Probably more realistic to just stop saying it…  Unless I do hire a new house keeper and she can keep the laundry chair free of laundry.

The house keeper must also come very early in the mornings, because I am no morning person, and help with the getting ready for school bit…  Yesterday, I skidded into school on two wheels to make drop off, then took my little white trash baby to the grocery store in his footie pajamas…  (You’d actually be surprised how many non-white trash babies you see sporting their pjs at the fru-fru grocery store.) 

Then, when I got back to school to retrieve my child, the teacher says, “Avery tell Momma what you forgot today.”  Um, oh shit, I thought, her folder?  They have a folder that they bring in their backpack every day…  No, I see the folder…  Um, her juice box??  “Oh my god!  I sent her with nothing to drink?!?!”  That wasn’t it either. 

The teacher leaned down and prompted her again, “Tell Mommy what you forgot this morning.  You know, when you went potty…”  OH SHIT.  I FORGOT UNDERWEAR.  And I said that out loud.  I did at least mouth the word ‘shit.’  The teacher laughed and said, “Yep.  No panties.”  Oh.My.God.  Mom of the Day is going to me for yesterday, people.  Forget about winning it yourselves. 

Luckily they had some panties in her back up clothes, so my poor child didn’t have to go commando all day long.  Especially while she played on the playground.  In her jeans. 

Thankfully, the teacher was laughing and said, “She’s not the first and she won’t be the last.”  And somehow, that make me feel just a little bit better.  Actually, it made me feel a lot better.  At least I’m not the only Mom of the Year who has sent their kids to school with no fucking underwear on…

See, people.  I need help.  I’m starting my search today.

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