Archive for January, 2009

The Interview…

Okay, these interview questions came to me from Cristin, at Tiptoeing Through the Tulips.  I love her madly and she seriously came up with some rocking questions for me… 

Cristin, thanks! 

1.  What famous person’s house would you most like to decorate and why?

Martha Stewart’s, of course, so I could show that bitch how it’s really done. 

2.  If you had to choose between indoor plumbing and your internet connection, which would it be? 

Oh my god, tough call.  I actually don’t mind peeing in the woods.  Not one bit.  I’m an outdoorsy type…  So, hmmm….  I guess the obvious question would be if my thousands of blog readers would actually allow me to give it up…  I mean, there might be protests and shit.  Massive complaints and petitions…  Offers of money…  No?  Eh.  Okay, I’ll keep it real.

Internet or indoor plumbing?  Internet or indoor plumbing?  Internet or indoor plumbing?  Okay, I’d have to choose indoor plumbing simply for my kids’ sakes.  I could soooo live without it.  And while, living without internet would be a nightmarish hell, I need water.  I’m already lazy enough…  Could you imagine if I had to haul water to the tub or sink or to the kitchen for cooking??  We’d all have dreadlocks, rotten teeth and weigh 42 pounds. 

3.  If by some bizarre set of circumstances, an adorable but endangered jungle creature could be saved from extinction if you were to give the Mister a BJ every day for a month, would you save the little critter?

Yes.  I’d suffer through the lockjaw and the quick gag reflex.  (But, I’m sure by the end of the first week, I’d be rethinking this…  I’d feel too guilty to stop.  Would it work if I could pay someone else to give the Mister BJs???)  I bet if the Mister happens to read this, he will try and figure out a way to save some little animal somewhere.  If you do read this, Mister, I need PROOF that said animal actually does exist and that it is in fact about to become extinct.  PROOF.  And it better involve some vacation to the tropics.  We’re talking a blow job.  Daily.  For a month.  Welcome back, little animal…  I’m going to Jamaica!

4.  Avery is 16 and going to her first rock concert, do you tell her all the stuff you did at concerts in your youth?

Oh hell no.  I don’t think I will EVER divulge the truth of my youth.  Especially any stories that involve concerts…  Maybe when she’s an adult I’ll tell her cleaned up versions of some of my stories.  I’ve got some AWESOME (or scary as hell, depending on how you choose to look at it…) tales.  You know what I mean…  Sex, drugs, booze, teenage runaways being abducted by gun-wielding pimps and hookers and jumping out of moving cars, sex, drugs, booze…  The usual concert stuff.

 5.  If you were offered the job of your dreams for so much money that the Mister could stay home and take care of the kids, would you switch roles and go back to work?

Hmmmm….  That’s a very good question.  I’d like to think that being a stay-at-home mom has always been my dream job.  I’ve wanted to do it since I was a little girl.  However, if some super, ultra, uber cool and rich person offered me a job making a mill a year to keep their house decorated lovely, I’d have to consider it.  If I had unlimited spending cash and no creative boundaries, I’d mull it over.  Honestly, though, the truth is, I probably wouldn’t take it.  The Mister loves what he does.  And I love being at home.  He’d never quit, even if we won ten gazillion trillion dollars.  (Well, I don’t think he would.  Maybe we’ll win the lottery and I can find out.)  But, I may consider taking the job for a year.  Especially if it was somewhere tropical.  Where marijuana is legal.

Now, go read Cristin’s interview…  And let me know if any of you want to play along!


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ERD Appropriate…


I need this button on my sidebar.

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Probably won’t be much of an ERD today..

The Mister got his car stuck in the mud yesterday afternoon.  Deep down in some woods.  He sent me a pic of his car, titled “The Genius Mister.”  (Well, he used his real name, not Mister.  We don’t go around the house calling him “Mister.”)  He went to check on a project of his and drove deep into the woods.  In his two wheel drive SUV.  Nice going, Genius Mister! 

His dad is meeting him after work with his tractor to pull it out.  Which means they’ll be gone forever.  Especially since my mother-in-law is out of town…  Give those men a tractor (and I’m sure beer will be involved, located in the cooler that is welded to the side of the tractors…  Um, yeah…) and their eyes glaze over, and they disappear for hours leaving a wake of destruction in their paths…   Let’s hope they don’t get the truck pulling the tractor stuck, too.  And then the tractor.

So, here’s where it really gets good…  He took my car, and took Avery to school this morning.  So I’m stranded.  And I just realized that I really need to go to the grocery store.  Like in a big, big way.  Like, I have no diapers.  But even worse, I have no toilet paper.  Or paper towels.  Not a speck.  Not even a little left on the roll to pick off and smush together to try and wipe with… 

He’ll be home after he gets Aves from school, so I have to either use the few baby wipes that I have, and pray Henry doesn’t have a bad diaper, or I have drip dry all morning…  Niiiiice.  And Henry will be cleaned up with a wet wash cloth and wrapped in a towel. 

Then, the Mister has to leave and go on a Police ride along!  Oh.my.god.!  Until midnight.  On a Friday night.  I’m excited and scared for him…  It’s part of this City Leadership thing he’s doing.  He had to go ride the bus for four hours last weekend…  Anyway…  Several of the people that are part of the Leadership thing have already done it…  And they were asked to hold guns and hide in the police car, and told to shoot if they had to.  Um, okaaaaay.  Some also went on high speed chases. 

So, while I’m excited to see what happens, I’m also scared to see what happens…  Hopefully, he comes back from this escapade in one piece, (and without having to shoot anyone, ) or I won’t be having anymore ERDs.

Stay tuned for some Friday Search Term Fun.

ETA:  And so it begins…  Henry just came to me showing me his hands…  Which were very tightly holding two handfuls of poop.  Niiice. 

ETA, Again:  Baby shit under the  fingernails is not a good way to start the day.  I’m just sayin’.

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Dear Edward,

Could you please ask Jasper to come by and calm my kids down?  I’d greatly appreciate it.  Also, if you could ask Alice to look into the future and tell the Mister that it means absolutely nothing that Henry enjoys wearing tu-tus and princess shoes, I’d be forever in your debt.  (And we could mean literally, if you like…) 

And while we are at it…  Don’t you think you could learn to love a blonde?  Please? 


Love you.


P.S.  See how good we are together?  Blondes really do look better on you. 


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Know What This Means?!?!?


In seven days we will be at DISNEY!  Yay!  We will actually be leaving in six days, but seven ’til we are in the park!  In the park with me bawling my eyes out and taking way to many pictures.

We have so much to do between now and then.  Including finding some shoes that make Avery an inch and a half taller…  (It’s been very good incentive for getting her to eat…  Maybe I should tell her Mickey doesn’t like dirty hair and she’ll get over her aversion to having her hair washed.)   

Disney sent us an email today saying “One week til your vacation!” and it had tons of cool info. in it.  So, of course, here I sit all morning back on the computer reading all things Disney, and crying.   Crying like the sentimental freak of nature that I am. 

At least my mom and her big bag of tricks will be along for the ride…  She can pass out some chill pills whenever needed.  And I still need to buy a truckload of kleenex and waterproof mascara. 

I’m seriously so giddy I can hardly stand it.  So much so that it doesn’t even bother me anymore that I’ll be walking around Disney in my fat clothes.  I just want to be there now!  Fat ass and all.

Disney here we come!

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I Have No Words…

Well, maybe a few… 

This is supposed to be a Super Bowl Commercial…




Does that turn people on???

Dayum, that’s a big ole bunch of broccoli!


Um, what are you going to do with that pumpkin???



I don’t get it…

And this is a commercial?  On regular cable?  That my kids might see???

You’re kidding, right????

I’m confused…



And, those are just a few…  I could go on.  I mean, I’m sure we’ve all seen a very “distinctive” looking zucchini in the grocery store and thought Wow! that looks like a massive penis!  Hmmm….  Hehe…  But, do we actually take it home and make love to it??  No.  (At least some of us don’t…) 

This is too much.  Holy shiznit, is all I can say…  I’m interested to see how the Mister feels…  Aroused or disturbed.  Probably slightly aroused and then disturbed by the fact that he is slightly aroused…  That would be my guess.  Wait, who am I kidding???  It has boobs and half naked hotties in it.  He’ll be totally aroused.  Not slightly.  And, he won’t care one little bit that it involves a bunch of asparagus as big as my thigh…  Not one little bit… 

As long as he doesn’t come home with a bag of produce, a bottle of wine, some soft music and that glint in his eye, we’ll be okay…

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How did he do this? 

At first, when I opened the video, I was thinking, Huh?  Wtf is Tommy Lee doing running around a grocery store???

I’m not usually one to pick things apart and analyze them…  But, I do it with magic tricks.  They fascinate me.  And, I’m especially skeptical when it’s a video like this and the camera doesn’t follow them 100%….  You don’t know what you aren’t seeing….  I also think he probably planted his fruit in the pile and asked as many people as it took until one of them picked the right piece, kwim?  I also think that fruit is pre-cut…  It just looks like that cutting bit was too easy…  I mean, who can cut so fast and perfectly like that?  Nobody. 

He also needs a new look, but that has nothing to do with the trick… 

Anyway, hope you enjoy magic tricks.  If not, you suck.  (Just kidding.)  You can come back later for something better… 

(And to be honest, although I do like magic, I’m just extremely lazy today and this was the first semi-interesting thing I came to… )

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