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Archive for September, 2009

And with that, I leave you all with an image of hope, peace and pure love…

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I also want to take this time to tell you, on this 8th Anniversary of our marriage, how much I love you, Mister! Let this image symbolize that feeling of love and peace, and just all good coming together in this world, that you bring me. That’s a whole lotta love… I’m the luckiest gal in the whole wide world. I love you more than you know, my Main Man. Happy Anniversary.

P.S. Love you, too, Life, Love & Lola!

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Happy ERD!

Drink one (or several) for me, k?

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Yeah…  Thanks, Dad.

Meet Honey:

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 Avery’s new PONY.  Yes.  Avery has her very own pet PONY now.  How the fuck do you top that????  Seriously…  How????  I mean, just look at those faces!

And not only does she now have a fucking PONY (which is very sweet and cute and we adore him, but that’s beside the point…,) they told her the pony could live at our house.  Yeah…  Um, NO. 

When I got on the phone with them, my stepmom said, “She can just bring the pony to your house to live.”  I sat there in silence and sort of laughed a nervous laugh…  They live on a farm.  A working farm, with cows and horses and chickens and goats (and alligators…  not really one of the “farm” animals, per se, but they deserve a mention.)  We live in a NEIGHBORHOOD.  A sort of snooty neighborhood.  A neighborhood where if your bushes get too high or you don’t have your flowerbeds up to par, someone *cough*NosyNeighbor#1*cough* complains.  And in this neighborhood, we live on an acre and a half.  An acre and a half that is not fenced in…  An acre and half that is partly woods.  Anyway, you can see why Honey can’t come to live with us.  Surely it’s quite obvious, right?  Plus, we don’t even own a fish…  Why would we want a HORSE to take care of?  AND, I wouldn’t send a fish to live with someone without asking first, much less a HORSE. 

All of this makes perfect sense in my mind…   And while it was sweet and thoughtful and loving of them to do, seriously, what.the.fuck?  Pony at your house, GREAT.  You live on a farm and have fifty horses already.  Pony at our house, not.so.great. 

So, they tell Avery they’ve bought her a pony and that it can come live with her at her house…  I get on the phone and she tells me she just told her that… 

Me:  “Um, *nervous laugh* that’s okay…  We’ll just let the pony live there.” 

Her:  “No, really…  She can keep it there!”

Me:  *nervous laugh* “No, really, we can’t keep a pony here.”

Her:  “Sure you can!  It’s like a big dog.”

Um….  It’s not like a big dog, it’s like a LITTLE HORSE.  Biiiig difference in my book. 

Me:  “No, really, it can just stay there.”

Her:  “Just put a fence up and it will be fine.”

Me:  “It’s against our neighborhood covenants.”

Her:  “Huh? What?”

Me:  “It’s against the  neighborhood covenants.  We can’t have a pony in our back yard.”

Her:  *silence for a few seconds* “Well, that’s not FAIR.”

She did say later that if she had known it was against the covenants she wouldn’t have told her that…  But, what a thing to spring on someone…  “SURPRISE!  Here’s a pet PONY!  Now, just fence in your yard, build a barn, buy some horse feed, feed it, brush it, shovel horse shit, take care of it daily…  You know you can never go out of town again now, right?  And did I mention that you need a trailer?  Which will be a huuuuge pain the ass to load him into…  OH, and the vet bills are astronomical…  But, it’ll be SO MUCH FUN!”  In her defense, we do live out of town, sort of in the country (but still only five or ten minutes from town, so not really in the country…,) and everyone around here (outside of the neighborhoods) has horses.  It’s kind of a horse farm-y type area…  Regardless, we’re not on a horse farm, we’re in a neighborhood.

And on top of us having to be the bad guys and say no to the pony living with us, like I said earlier, how will we EVER top that?  The only thing I can think of that might even remotely come close is permanent residence in Cinderella’s Castle at DisneyWorld.  And that’s still a maybe…  But, hmmm….  It will be damn funny watching my mom try.

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Lessons I’ve Learned…

Never leave an unpotty-trained toddler boy without a diaper for any length of time.  He may just turn into a human fountain (a fancy one that spins) and cover the entire bathroom with pee.

A penis fountain, even a tiny toddler sized one, can somehow miraculously spray almost to the ceiling.

Never leave a box of toothpicks anywhere near the hands of small children.  They will poke the shit out of each other, leaving little pin prick size bruises.  And also poke the shit out of your ass.

It is almost possible to eat an entire 9×13 pan of homemade banana pudding.  I am trying again tonight just to see if it can, indeed, be accomplished.

If you give a toddler boy a badminton racket, he will beat the shit out of anything around…  His sister, the pictures on the dresser, the coffee table, the t.v…  And will somehow find said badminton racket no matter how many times you take it and hide it. 

It might be a good idea to never start a Thomas the Train obsession in a toddler boy.  Just a heads up.

Four-year-old girls can be as emotional and dramatic as teenagers.

Four-year-old girls can be as sassy and smartass-y as teenagers.   (Although, she’s mostly sweet.)

Four-year-old girls are waaaay smarter than you think they are…

A bandaid can fix just about anything that is ailing a kid.

A twelve pack of beer can do the same thing for adults.  (Come on, November…)

Never assume that just because your kid pooped minutes before leaving the house, that it’s safe to leave to run errands sans diaper wipes.

Never assume that just because you left the house without diaper wipes that you are helpless…  Socks, shorts, grocery sacks and even an old stuffed toy can all be used in a pinch.  And then replaced…

Never, ever assume that your child can wipe their own ass well enough to pass inspection before the age of five.

 

Just a few lessons we’ve learned over here in Shannieland recently.  Thought I’d just FYI ya. 

Did I mention I’m ready for November?

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No, I didn’t already have the baby…  Although, I do wish November would hurry its slow ass up and get here so I can… 

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Introducing “The Big Bitch,” as the Mister likes to call her…  Or the “Monster Car,” as Avery likes to say…  Remember our big talk about minivans and how lots of you said, and I agreed (no offense to minivan lovers out there,) that the thought of driving one makes us throw up a little in our mouths?  Yeah…  Well, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  SO, we decided on a Tahoe. 

But, then we (and by we, I really mean I,) test drove this and fell in love.  It has everything you can possibly get on it.  Not that I needed all of that extra super cool stuff, but it was the only one they had…  (Do you know how limited the selection of SUVs is out there right now?)  I’ll probably never use, or even figure out how to use, half the features on it.  But, it is cool to have them. 

Anyway,  They wouldn’t get right on the price, so I thought that our search must continue.  Then, the Mister sort of surprised me with it!  That man’s so sweet.   He called me, I was already online searching the Atlanta area again for all full-sized SUVs, and said, “Go clean out your car.”  They delivered it and took my car back with them…  And they gave me a full demo in the driveway.  Sweet.

Anyway, no minivans for this household.  Nuttin’ but big, gas guzzling, road hogging, SUVs for us, baby. 

I started to title this “My Suburban Can Run Over Your Prius.”  Maybe I should have.  Catchy, yes?

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Couldn’t Help Myself…

(Howdy strangers, by the way.  I suck.  I’ve always said that.)

I just had to post this because I love it.  This is specifically about stay-at-home-moms, but works for any mom, sahm, working full time, working part time, working from home, whatever…  This captures a day in the life of a mom.  And as far as coming from a sahm’s standpoint, I have friends who are parents themselves that still wonder what it is us that stay home do all day…  Well, here ya go!  (This would also work for those of you out there who have spouses that don’t understand what all moms do, stay-at-home or otherwise…)

So, here’s to us! 

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And a quick note to Tacoma…

Dear Tacoma:

Your friend probably has plenty of time for you…  She’s just avoiding you because you’re a self-absorbed bitch. 

You’re welcome.

Shannie

P.S.  The Mister is now boycotting sex for fear of getting peed on.  This is the man that tells me it’s okay for Henry to eat shit like bugs and dirt…  If “a little dirt won’t hurt,” surely a little urine won’t either…

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