I’m ready for a few, my friends. It’s been a fab, but looooooong, week! And an extra fab day! Especially since I didn’t get that speeding ticket this morning…
Get this… The schmuck pulled me over for passing him… Seriously… And not for like blowing past him on the interstate and leaving him eating my dust… We were in a 35mph zone and he was going like two miles under the speed limit and I was going like two miles over. I’m not kidding.
He had slowed down and was directly in front of me checking out a dump truck , running the tags or something, and I thought he was about to pull him over… So, I hopped over into the other lane and went around them. He promptly dumped the dump truck, hopped behind me and flipped his lights on. I wasn’t even doing 40, people. Needless to say, I was not the happiest of campers. Forget that I was speeding by freaking two miles per hour, while thinking I was being helpful and getting out of his way, most importantly I was trying my damndest, sans makeup or brushed hair and teeth and sporting my pajamas, to make drop-off at school. Fucker.
Ponch strolled up to my window, leaned on my car all bad-ass like and said with this majorly smart-assy, condescending tone of voice (all he needed was a toothpick hanging out of his mouth… you get the picture,) “Could you tell me just what you were thinking back there when you passed me?” And my oh-so-irritated, crazy-haired, fuzzy-teethed, under-caffeinated self said in response, “That you were going awfully slow.”
I don’t think he liked that too much. He read me the riot act about “speeding,” and how he had to make an example of me, because I was obviously speeding if I was passing him… That he couldn’t just let me “breeze” past him without stopping me… That everyone around us would see… What would they think? That you could just speed without any kind of repercussions???
I don’t know, dickwad… They were probably just all thinking that I was getting out from behind your slow-poke motorcycle ass that was holding up the normal a.m. traffic, that normally goes 45, because I was in a fucking hurry to get my kids to school. I mean, what would you think? That I’m trafficking drugs down the fucking road with my three kids strapped in carseats and thought I’d better get away from you? (There was a time when that might have been the case, minus the kids, but not today, asshole…) Or that I had taken the time to properly install caresats for my three small children in a stolen vehicle and was making a not-so-speedy getaway? Or maybe just that I was a mom running late for school, with a carload of kids, trying to get around your slow ass that I thought was about to pull someone over??? SCHMUCK.
I did not say that.
He let me go, miraculously. I guess it was my charm, beauty and minty fresh breath that did the trick.
Anyway, I saw him later, after dropping the kids off, perusing the same area, no doubt looking for “speeders” to shake down… I was so tempted to pull up beside and him just cruise along at the exact same speed, making sure I didn’t go any faster than he was, and give him a big ass grin and a thumbs up. Or pulling up next to him at the red light and revving my engine like I wanted to race. I had lots of fun scenarios playing in my head…
Here’s to you all! Hope that everyone else had a lovely day, and got out of any speeding tickets.