Are you ready? ERD BEER TIME! I am in need, people. Big time.
Avery has been a pill this afternoon… (That’s one of my grandmother’s words… I thought it’d be nicer than saying “pain in the ass.”) And she has tried to be a pill a good bit of the week… I have been able to nip it a bit with the threat of The Elf, Zippert, that is hanging out to tattle on her to Santa. Normally I don’t encourage tattling, but I can very convincingly justify this kind.
Zippert, or our Elf on the Shelf, has been a tremendous sanity saver this week. I haven’t had to drink nearly as much. (I hope that lady that invented it is rich, ’cause she sure deserves to be… I’ll send her a donation personally. And just why the hell didn’t one of us think of this?)
I’m sure you all know what the hell The Elf on the Shelf is, but just in case you don’t, and are too lazy to click on the link I provided, he is supposedly a little Santa Spy. Sent straight from the North Pole to keep an eye on the kids… He reports back each night to the Big Guy himself as to whether they’ve been naughty or nice… You read this story about him and then he appears in a different place around the house daily. It’s fun to see them try and find his hiding place. It’s even more fun to see them straighten up when you remind them that he is watching… Anyway, he’s truly magical. Truly. Fucking genius.
We have also tried really hard to make Zippert more aware of the nice and good things Avery does, rather than just the spoiled and bratty… We don’t want her to hate the little guy… But, we have certainly abused the tattling to Santa part of his job. It makes her stop whatever she is doing and refocus, with a very sweet smile on her face. I have even caught her batting her eyelashes at him… If you do not have one, and you have small children that can be easily tricked, go get one. NOW. Run.
Too bad this Elfen magic doesn’t work with Demon Baby. All we have to do is cut our eyes over and glance the Elf’s way and Avery shapes up… I can’t do anything to stop Henry’s tantrums. And he throws them over everything. God forbid I not let him reprogram the remote control, or pull on my pearl bracelet with all his might… Or throw a pickle jar, or run around outside in the rain with no shoes. Or climb inside the freezer and shut the door… I’m such a mean mommy.
Anyway, enough about The Elf… This has been The Week of the Tantrum. So, I need this afternoon to be The Afternoon of the Buzz. We are supposed to go later to meet the Gs and do the whole horse drawn carriage, visit Santa thing… Don’t you think a nice buzz will enhance that experience? It will certainly make public tantrum throwing more bearable. I think it’s a pretty damn good plan.
And I think, along with my flask, I’ll throw Zippert in my purse… He can peer out at Avery if she starts any trouble. Since Henry is immune to the Elf’s magic at this juncture in his life, I think we could probably find some gypsies along the way that might take him…
Cheers, my friends! I’m starting early.