Today, my friends, I found God.
He’s thirty-seven, single and his name is Jerry. If anyone’s interested. Although, it may be a bit difficult to be God’s better half…
Jerry owns a computer repair shop. And I am singing his praises. I am the newest member of the Church of Jerry.
I went from a bawling, blubbering mess to hugging, kissing, laughing and dancing… Well, it was Avery that was dancing… With another of Jerry’s flock, as he waited for his own miracle… An old, kind and intelligent hippie dude, with a long white beard, who did interpretive dance with my three-year-old and who I’m calling to babysit…
Anyway, I spilled coffee into my computer this morning. Just a tablespoon or so, right into the number pad. I took some paper towels, dried it off and went on about my busyness. It wasn’t much and I thought if the computer was still working, all must be good. Well, my friends, let me just give you a little advanced warning…
When you spill something in your computer, it slowly fries. It doesn’t happen in one fell swoop… It happens gradually. Slowly. You think you’ve gotten lucky and then all of a sudden something crazy happens… Like the number six sticks and randomly shows up while you are typing. Then the number five shows up. Then it’s like the six is permanently stuck and sixes quickly fill up your screen. Next thing you know, the computer starts beeping very loudly at you and won’t stop. Then it won’t turn on at all… In other words, it slowly fries. It doesn’t just ‘bzzzzzzzzt’ and turn off, never to be turned on again…. It slowly goes insane.
I was told by everyone in town that it was gone. My friend was gone. I bawled. Then I had to break the sad news to the Mister and he reminded me of all of my pictures. So, I bawled some more. I thought I was already upset… I sat in the floor with my head in my hands blubbering while Avery patted my shoulder telling me it would be okay. Then I found Jerry.
Jerry, sweet, Jerry.
Jerry told me on the phone to calm down, get it together and he’d help me as best he could. I snatched up the computer, threw on some sunglasses and half dressed the kids. I showed up, walked in, took my glasses off and said “I’m the crazy, crying lady.” He put his arms around me and gave me a big hug.
Jerry, too, told me at first the computer was a goner. And that he was unsure if he could even save the hard-drive. He also scolded the Mister when I told him that he was angry. I’m telling you, if you’re single, Jerry’s ready for a date… I mean, the Mister had every right to be upset. He just bought the computer for me in February and has often cautioned me against drinking anything while using it. And he was going to go look at this couch that I badly want before our party on the 25th this afternoon, and possibly, hopefully, since he’s so sweet and all, buy it for me…. Forget that couch now… I needed a new computer.
Jerry took it apart, did some work on the hard-drive and lo and behold, it was okay. Everything was there. He called me over proudly to show me and pulled up the pictures… And just guess what the very first thing that greeted Jerry’s eyes was? Yup, the asshole. THE asshole… From the text message… (If I have to link it, so be it…) I had already told Jerry that I have a blog with a few hundred readers that I need to keep up daily, etc… So…. The lovely asshole image popped up, he screamed, and said, “I think I just saw something I shouldn’t have.” I laughed and told him those were mostly blog images.
“BLOG images?!?”
Jerry seriously thought I ran a porn blog. He couldn’t understand how that image was on any blog that wasn’t X-Rated. Maybe this blog is X-Rated. I consider it R, but I can see how some may say the former… Anyway, I had to convince him that it was just a humor blog with some dirty language and an ocassional dirty asshole.
Then the next big challenge came.. He took the computer apart, while I watched in awe, with my fingers crossed, and Avery and the hippie danced. He meticulously dried all the parts, put it back together and just for the hell of it, turned it on. And it worked.
The clouds opened and the heavens sang. Wait, maybe that was the contact high from the hippie…
Jerry the Miracle Worker had seriously turned some water into wine… He performed a true miracle today. He turned a broken ass computer into a working one. May not seem on the same level to some of you, but others will know how I feel. All hail Jerry.
Anyway, I hugged Jerry about fifteen times, paid him my money (less than a hundred dollars!!) accepted the hippie dancer’s help in loading my car, cried some more, then called the Mister. The Mister was quite relieved and told me he didn’t think I’d have to go into time out this evening after all. So, I of course, being the cunning little wife that I am, said, “So, now that we are all happy, don’t you want to run by there and look at that couch on your way home?” If he had been able to see me, I’d have been batting some serious eyelashes. (And if he comes home with a couch, it may not be another twelve months before he gets another b.j.) I’ll keep you posted.
In the meantime, I stopped by the “sucker store,” got some beer, and am working on my second while waiting for the Gs. And while my computer is still doing some whacked out shit, it’s working. Which is a bonus. I can handle some keys not working, no numbers working except when they randomly and repeatedly appear, and have no working shift if it means a gorgeous new couch. (Even if it means temporary lockjaw and having to put up with an overactive gag reflex..)
Oh, and FYI, if you ever spill some shit in your computer, immediately turn it off and flip it upside down. You have no idea how many assholes in this town told me “if you’d only done that…” Yeah, thanks, I obviously didn’t. Instead I freaked out, thought I was going to have to drop my couch money on a new computer and then found Jerry.
I have Jerry’s email address and myspace address if anyone wants it… Tell him the crazy, crying, asshole picture having, computer frying lady sent ya…
I bet you a million dollars he somehow, with his computer geek brilliance, saved this address somewhere and has already figured out it isn’t a porn site… I better do more than cry next time I see him… (NO, you pervs! I mean tip…)
Is Jerry single? Give him my number!
YAY Shannie! I’m so glad to hear that the computer has been resurrected! Whew…
Well? Did you get the sofa?
well, it’s working, but it still has some crazy shit going on… the right shift key doesn’t work, which makes typing quickly hard… there may be a couple of other little quirks, too. jerry may be seeing more of his new friend.
the mister did go by… he loved the couch and brought a pillow home so that i could see how well it matches. looking good!
Ok friend.. let me tell you, I tried to read this at least 5 times today and got interupted! (this work thing gets in the way)… So glad Jerry saved you.. and yes, hook him up with LLL!!
You need to upload all your pics to an external site like snapfish or shutterfly… I have been using snapfish since 2002.
I clicked on the ass hole pick and threw up a little.
Shannon, I had a ton of them on kodak gallery, but they deleted my albums… grrrr…. We are burning them all to discs and then I’m uploading them somewhere, and getting an external hard drive!!!! no more of that crap. I was sooooo upset.
Yes, the ass is pretty freaking disgusting. Imagine Jerry’s surprise… It was priceless.
I smashed a glass of wine on my keyboard a couple months ago… dried the thing off and haven’t had a problem since…
Yay for Jerry the Hippie!!
You are sooo lucky, girl. I spilled a Miller High Life into the ex’s laptop a few years ago and there was no resurrection. Glad you were able to save all your pictures, especially the asshole. That’s a classic.
I could use a dude who can fix stuff…but not if I have to go outside the perimeter..hehe…
**hugs**
I’m glad you got your computer back and you got to surprise a geek squad hippy. Thanks for the advise. I am always slurping on something while blogging.
Yeah! All hail Jerry!
lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
lockjaw
lol lol lol lol
gag reflex
lol lol lol lol lol