This has been one of those days. For real.
It started off great! Like, super duper great. Then went down hill quickly.
Tornadoes all across our area… Every county touching ours had a warning at noon. Totally not kidding. Avery was at school and Henry and I were here. And I didn’t know what to do… Should I go get Avery, should I not get Avery… I decided she was safer at school and Henry and I were safer in the house, so we stayed put until we had to.
I went around panicking, getting ready for a tornado… Taking the mirror and the plates off the wall in the hallway that we get into for bad weather… Gathering the cellphone, keys, etc… Same drill I always do during tornado weather. Watching the storm cells on two different weather channels, monitoring the situation on the computer, SAHM neighbors all freaking out and calling back and forth… The Tornado Drill…
Plus, I have a major phobia of driving in the rain. Major. And I was panicking about not just driving in the torrential downpour, but what to do if the tornado sirens went off while in the car… When I had to go get her it was pouring, so I left early to account for driving 25 miles an hour. I was creeping along flipping from station to station on the radio listening for weather announcements. I was gripping the steering wheel so tightly my wrists still hurt.
My mother-in-law, who heads up the Even Start program for her county, was in the hall with her kids and babies for over an hour as a tornado passed through. And one supposedly hit the small area where they live… Nobody has driven out there to see if there is any damage yet… She was concerned about her boat. So, let’s hope her boat didn’t get blown away. (Or her house… or her pets…) The Mister is driving up from South Georgia across the state through this crap, so I’m worried about him, too. It’s been raining and storming since Friday. Thanks, Fay.
Then… Yes, it gets worse… And it has nothing to do with the weather… We get home, Henry plays in the pee toilet… (We’ve been really good lately about flushing and keeping bathroom doors shut, but sometimes we still slip up…) So, I bathed him and dressed him and gave him lunch.
And this is what really topped it all off… I feel awful. And my neck is even more tense now than it was just from all the weather… I flipped on Avery. I blew a fuse. I SCREAMED at her. It was awful and I feel terrible. But, she refuses to listen most of the time and I had had enough… I looked up and the child was squeezing a light bulb. Squeezing it. When I freaked out in a panic and shreaked at her to stop and put it down, she just squeezed harder. I was trying to get it from her, but I couldn’t grab it, or it would for sure break… I could just see her breaking it and cutting her little hands to smithereens.
Anyway, since I couldn’t wrench the delicate light bulb from her hands, I was begging her to put it gently down. She was freaking out and being super defiant… She wanted to put it in the drawer and she was trying to throw it. I shouted at her. I mean SHOUTED. She has to listen to me. How do you make a three-year-old listen? Is it possible???? Is it hopeless? I mean, usually when I tell her to stop something it’s for her, or her brother’s, own good… But she usually does whatever it is I’m asking her to stop doing anyway. Ahhhhhh. Telling her to stop doing something is like an invitation for her to look right at you and continue to do it even harder and faster.
So, I went all Mom (meaning my Mom) on her… After I freaked out and yelled, I continued to talk in a very loud voice and sent her to time out… She was yelling and crying (she was mad at me, too) and turned to go to time out and fell over a toy. She sprawled out across the floor and starting screaming and crying even harder. I still demanded that she go to time out.
She sat in time out still screaming and yelling. I went into my room and shut the door behind me to cool down… I mean, we have had major battle of the wills lately and this not listening stuff just came to a head, I guess… I could just see her getting cut all up and she absolutely would not listen. I came out of my room and told her, still in a very loud voice, that she had to listen to me (I sound like a broken record every.single.day.) and that I didn’t know what to do… I asked if she needed to start getting spankings… She kept screaming and crying, now saying she was going to miss her favorite show. Anyway, it went on for a few minutes. I threatened her with no t.v. if she didn’t stop. But, I was being just as bad. I was seriously seeing red.
After a minute or two, I calmed down and hugged her and told her I was very sorry for raising my voice and for getting so angry, blah, blah, blah… Same old song and dance… But, this time I started bawling. Which, of course, upset her even more. She didn’t know what to do, I think. Maybe it’s something I need to remember… It seemed to get through to her. Next time she doesn’t mind me, maybe I should go poke myself in the eye and cry.
So, here I sit, with a headache, a neck and shoulders so tense I could bounce a quarter off of them, and I feel just miserable. Avery’s little eyes are red and puffy. I just want to hug and squeeze her. Just like she was doing to that damn light bulb.
I need to go lay down. I need a drink. I need a pill. I need the Mister. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it’s normal, that we all have our days. And our moments. And we all snap sometimes. But, I just feel awful.
ETA: And now I feel even worse. She caught me at a very bad time. She went into the bathroom and unrolled the toilet paper. Something she knows not to do. Something she has been asked not to do at least ten times in the past three days. So, what did mean, freak out mommy do? I popped her. Now I want to cry again. I totally popped her. I never spank my child… (On very rare ocassion when she is doing something that can hurt her and won’t stop…) But, my god, I just popped her out of frustration. I feel even worse than I already did.
SHIT. And now we woke Henry up. He is screaming. AND HOLY HELL, she just went in his room after I told her not to. (Something she gets in trouble for a lot, too. And just won’t listen about.)
Someone please tell me how to make my child mind. Please………………………..
ETAA: I just wanted to say that she really is a sweet, loving child. She is just going through a little willful phase. She’s three. But, she really is a very well behaved, loving child. Most of the time. She’ll sometimes go weeks without even having to get a time out. Then all of a sudden she’ll get time out two or three times a day for a couple of weeks. We’re obviously in one of those cycles at the moment…. And even during one of these willful cycles, she’s still sweet most of the day… It’s just those few minutes here and there that make me want to go into my room and lock the door. Or send her to the gypsies. (Can you tell I feel guilty… I bet I take her for ice cream later..)