Beach Bound And….

IT’S A….

Avery was okay with it, too…  We’re just now calling the baby Super Tucker instead of Super Piper.  (We do have to correct her some, though…)  She’s just excited about having a baby, so she’s all good.  Except  she’s said, more than once, ”Well, next time it will be a girl.”  Um, next time???  I think once she gets a tad older she’ll appreciate being the one and only Princess.  On both sides of the family…  She’s going to be soooo rotten. 

We’re beach bound ’til next weekend, and my goal is to come back from the beach rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to pick back up where I left off on the ole bloggity blog.  We’ll see…  Check back with me next weekend sometime.

Happy 4th, my friends!  Have some jello shots and cold beers for me, k?  I’m sure the Mister will…  Beer that is, not the jello shooters…  I don’t usually do jello shots, either.  (Not that I won’t, but I normally just go for straight liquor in my shots, thank you…  however, offer some up and I’ll gladly squish around and swallow that gelatinous, vodka-y goodness…) As a matter of fact, I don’t think I have had one since my early 20s.  Since I went to that old people’s swingers’ party that time, to be exact…  And I took them then with a smile, one after another, from one of the grannies with the sequined bikinis on roller skates, with sparklers shooting off them, delivering them around the pool area on trays…  My god, I needed all the alcohol I could get that day…  Anyway, I digress…  Please think of your dear old, blog neglecting friend, Shannie when you’re downing those frosty adult beverages this holiday weekend.  I’ll be joining you in about 145 or so days, give or take.  Man, I need a ticker….

Oh, and Shannon (MWP,) if you read this (which I don’t know why in the holy hell you would…  you’re on vacay for god’s sake…,) call me.  I’ll be down in the same area as you, my friend.  I could watch you swill frosty adult beverages as we hang out on the beach….  With me in my oh-so-lovely-maternity-bathing-moo-moo…

SURPRISE!!!!!

Well, don’t expect too much, it’s just a funny.  But, a damn good funny!  Enjoy! 

done

This reminds me that I am seriously overdue at the eye doctor…  But, we all know it’s not like the Mister has to worry about me mistakenly giving the gearshift a b.j…  How awful though, if I were too finally help the poor fellow out and miss???  That would ruin the mood, fo sho.  But, HA!  Like I said…………………  Plus, we have no gearshifts, nor could I bend over to suck on one at the moment with this big ole belly in the way…  You’re in the clear, Mister…

(Also, I’m trying to talk myself back into blogging mode…  I’m weighing my options…  Complete laziness in the blog department or keeping it going…  I really don’t have any intention of doing away with it as of yet, but man, do I like not having to worry about it.  However, I do miss you guys.  Tremendously.  Okay…  That’s enough, or my crazy ass pregnancy hormones will have me crying.  Again.  Damn, let me go rewatch the video to bring the non-teary-eyed mood back.  Damn hormones.)

Lost: Mojo

Has anyone seen it?  Because if I’m going to keep this train rolling, I need to find it.  With a quickness…  I’m losing steam.

(By the way, I can no longer blame it on morning sickness all day sickness…  My superflyWonder Woman wrist bands have been removed (those lovely sweat band looking accupressure bands that cause me to get so many stares…  Maybe I should have gone all Olivia Newton John and gotten a matching head band…) and I am feeling like a champ.  Well, a big, fat pregnant champ, but comparatively speaking…  You know what I mean…)

So…  Help me find my freaking mojo, people.  What can I do to get back into the game???  My blog has taken a back seat to everything.  Including folding laundry.  You know that’s some bad shit, right there…

Not Sure Which Is Worse…

Well…  Actually, I do, but this is still pretty damn bad.

According to My Hero (aka The Exterminator,) the culprit was probably this:

But, if you happen to live in the South, they look more like this:

And they’re not called roaches, they’re called Palmetto Bugs.  You know we Southerners have to make everything nicey-nice…  Palmetto Bug sounds so much better than roach, don’t ya think?  They’re giant prehistoric sized things that FLY, too.  As if it should be allowed to get any worse…  Anyway, only in the South will we pretty up a roach…  They’re still just a nasty ass cockroach, but at least we can make them feel a little bit better about themselves…  Bless their little Palmetto Bug hearts… 

Anyway, My Hero told me that when it gets too warm, too cold, too dry, or too wet, sometimes they find they’re big roach ass selves a way inside houses…  And that since we really don’t have rats, and there is no evidence of any, it’s extremely unlikely that one just hopped up on our bed and took a shit.  So…  That’s good news.  No rat shit…  BUT, ROACH SHIT??????? 

Roach shit in itself is just a bizarre concept to me.  Especially one that could have been a Baby Ruth for a Barbie doll…  Especially when that Barbie sized ROACH doodie log is in your BED.  That’s just crazy to me.  Roach shit?  Really???  I mean, come on…  A giant roach turd has to be a bit far out there for most anyone…  And then to have it in.your.bed.

When I told the Mister the news, he said, “Huh…  You know, I did kill one in our bedroom a couple of days ago.”  Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat.  You know what that means right???  That means we slept with it in our bed FOR THREE FUCKING NIGHTS, that’s what that means.  I don’t even want to think about it.

So….  We are not infested with rodents.  Which is most excellent news.  However, I’m still not ready to rejoice that it wasn’t rat shit…  Let’s hope no other Palmetto Bugs will fly their big, roach turd laying asses into our house (and especially not into our bed!) again anytime soon… I mean, COME ON.  The ick factor here is off the charts.  Rats or no rats!

Holy Rat Shit, Batman!

Okay, so I think most of you know what a seriously beyond belief OCD germaphobe worry wart I am, especially when pregnant…  Right?  I’m seriously a FA-reak.  Not exaggerating in the least.  Unfortunately.

So…  With that being said, I’m having one of my paranoid freak out moments.  Like a very looong moment…  Like one that lasted all night and prevented me from sleeping.

I got into the shower and was all refreshed and clean and climbed into bed to read for a bit last night…  When it was time for me to put my book down and go to sleep, the Mister was in the bed, too, with his light on.  I hopped out of the bed to run to the restroom and upon returning I found what appeared to be some sort of rodent fecal matter in my bed.  Yep, it looked a lot like rat shit to me…  I was almost laying on it when I noticed it and screamed, “WHAT IS THAT????” 

The Mister said, “I don’t know…. ” And starts inspecting it, rolling it between his fingers…  I’m freaking out even more because he’s touching it, and I’m just laying there frozen in the bed…  I’m about to cry and have a panic attack, saying, “OH MY GOD!  Please tell me there really isn’t rat shit in our bed!!!!” 

He says, “Freddie, come on.  It can’t be rat shit.”  Tosses it over his shoulder, it hits something with a clink and he turns off his light.  I sat there staring into the darkness in horror.

“You just TOUCHED it and you’re not getting up to wash your hands???” 

He grumbled, “Freddie, it is not rat shit.  It would not have clinked like that when it hit something.  Go to sleep.”

“NO!  You  have to get up and wash your hands!  You have to get up so I can change the sheets.  And I have to take another shower!  Oh my god!  OH MY GOD!”

“Freddie, it was not rat shit.  Calm down, for god’s sake.  There are no rats in this house.  You know that.  There’s no way it could be rat shit.  I’m not getting up to wash my hands, and I’m not getting up for you to change the sheets.  It was just a bug or something.  Now, seriously, go to sleep.”

I’m still frozen in the same half sitting, half laying position, suspended over the spot where it was, staring into the darkness in horror…  “How can you be sure it was a bug?  How do you know?”

“Because we have no rats.”

“Well, I didn’t THINK we did, but what the fuck???  What if we do??  And it hangs out in our BED???”

*sigh*  “Freddie, GO TO SLEEP.  It was a BUG.”

So…  I laid there for hours thinking horrible thoughts about sleeping with rat feces, but trying to make myself believe that it was just a bug.  I mean, I know I’m a freak and overreact, so I was trying really hard…  Seriously.  I got very little sleep last night.  (Some of that was thanks to Henry, also…  Thanks, little dude.)  Like maybe three hours. 

All I could do was lay there and think of some rat hanging out in our bed, his little rodent head on my pillow, with remote control in hand…  And even worse, and this is what was really and truly scaring me, giving myself, my unborn child, and Avery, who climbs into our bed every night, some crazy ass rat disease…  Like the plague, or the rodent flu, or ratitis…  Who knows what nasty disease that little nugget of filth could carry!!!  But, yet, there I lay…  All night long.  Tossing and turning and fretting and worrying myself sick.

Avery did get in the bed with us.  At least I made her sleep on top of the covers.  Then Henry started screaming and the Mister got up, putting Avery UNDER THE COVERS, and went and slept with him in the den for a while…  Touching god knows what with that unwashed disease carrying, rat poop touching hand of his.  I mean, come on…  WASH YOUR HANDS.  (Nothing to do, either, with being a pregnant insane OCD hand washer…  I mean, I know he thought it was a bug, but come on, what if it wasn’t…  Just wash your hands, dude.)

It didn’t occur to me until this morning to get my ass up and get in the guest bed.  And put Avery in there with me when she got up.  Yeah.  Dumbass.

Anyway….

This morning, I decided to crawl around the floor and find the thing to give it a closer look…  I did find it and picked it up with a wad of toilet paper, brought it into the kitchen, put it on a paper plate and held it up under the light.  And guess what.  It looks exactly like a miniature doodie log.  It IS a miniature doodie log.  It is most definitely some sort of rodent fecal matter.  So, I freaked the fuck out. 

Then all of last night’s panicky thoughts of rat disease and birth defects, etc… , came swirling back into my head, and I thought to myself, Oh shit.  I probably shouldn’t have inspected it so closely to my face…  Oh no!  OH NO!  What if I actually inhaled some rat disease that was wafting off of it?!?!?  OH MY GOD!  OH MY GOD!  Wasn’t it enough just to sleep with the germs?!?!  I had to inhale them, too?!?!  I’M SOOOOO STUPID!!!!!!!  So, I raced around for a minute wondering how insane I would sound calling the OB’s office telling them I was afraid I’d inhaled a rat disease that would harm my unborn baby from putting a piece of rat doo-doo too close to my nose…  Yeah.  Probably pretty damn crazy.

So, instead I emailed the Mister.  Saying it was, in fact, some sort of fecal matter and relayed all of my fears to him and asked if I should call the exterminator or the doctor.  He called me right back and sort of talked me off the ledge…  He reiterated, “We have no rats or mice in our house…” “We have an exterminator…”  Blah. Blah. Blah.  Yeah.  I know.  I calmed down and rationally started thinking about it…  Okay, I guess it could have come off of someone’s clothing or foot or something…  It could have been squirrel or chipmunk poop  that someone brought in from outside…  (Which is probably still teeming with disease, but somehow made me feel better…)  We are often out there with no shoes, etc…  We were in the garage all evening, etc… 

SO, maybe we don’t have rats…  BUT, we sure as hell slept with some sort of rodent shit germs in our bed and that does not make me feel happy.  I called the exterminator’s office, whose receptionist now probably thinks I’m insane, rambling on about unborn children and rat diseases and whatnot, but who cares.  I’m waiting on him to call me back and get his rat busting ass over here pronto.

Meanwhile, I think I’ll continue to do my best to de-rat germ the house…  I’ve already stripped myself and the kids and the sheets (with gloves on, of course…) and am trying really hard not to think about all the stuff the Mister may have touched when rambling around in the middle of the night with unwashed rat shit hands… 

I’ll keep you posted on the findings.

And…

Do you think I should call the doctor????

ETA:  The Bug Man, aka from here on out as My Hero, will be here shortly and wants to see the “evidence.”  Ewwww…  But, okay.  Let me put my gloves back on and dig through the garbage, because it never occurred to me to SAVE IT. 

Hot Pink Gloves…

Are Avery’s fashion accessory today…  Yep.  More Mommy Naptime Fun.  Hot pink hands.  And, in case you plan on donning your own pair, they go really well with green lips.  Ahhhhhh…. 

(Please refer to the green gloved hands of last week’s fashion craze.)

Happy Brithday, Princess Avery!

The Princess is now four years old!  She’s growing up so quickly….

***WARNING:  Birthday picture overload!***

We decided for her birthday that it would be fun to spend the day/night just the three of us.  Total undivided Mommy and Daddy attention.  No Baby Henry.  So…  We got my mom to come watch Henry while we hit the road and headed to Hotlanta.

It was a blast and she was so excited!  She could barely contain herself the entire trip!  We stayed on the 58th floor of a very nice hotel, with floor to ceiling, wall to wall windows overlooking the city.  Wow.  The view was incredible.  (Of course Mom and Dad were much more impressed with that, although, she did think it was pretty damn cool.)  Then Avery had her first real fancy, schmancy dinner at the restaurant at the top of the hotel…  On the 72nd floor…  In a restaurant that spins!  It turns all the way around, 360 degrees.  The views, and the food, were outstanding. 

This is the view we had from our room…  The Mister and I put Avery to bed (she conked out and fell asleep…  We were sure she’d be up ’til midnight…)  He pulled the couch over and turned it to look out and we put the ottoman in front of us and sat there in total darkness staring out at the night skyline for a few hours.  It was beautiful and amazingly relaxing.  And this picture does not do it justice. 

Here’s Miss Priss all dressed up heading to dinner…  (This was the only disappointment of the whole trip…  The glass elevator that goes up 72 floors overlooking the city, was all blacked out.  We really wanted her to experience that.  But, thanks to our crazy ass Georgia weather, a tornado blew half the windows out…)

Her super duper Birthday pose:

Notice the different backgrounds!

And of course Baby had to come!  And had her own chair…

She got ice cream with a candle in it for dessert!  (I got a perfectly cooked mac daddy of a pork chop with fried oysters and bacon hollandaise on top, with green garlic mashed potatoes and Coca-Cola braised greens.  We’re in the South…  We cook everything with Coca-Cola.  Oh.my.god.it.was.good.  And baked fudge with haagen dazs on it for dessert.  Mmmmm….  The Mister got a filet (which my mouth was watering for, but I’m not messing up a yummy piece of meat by having to have it cooked medium well…  blech…) and a delicious smelling glass of wine.  Oh.my.god.it.smelled.good.  Avery got chicken fingers, that she of course didn’t eat.)

After dinner we headed out to Atlantic Station, this neat little shopping/dining area and that’s where she conked out…  We were going to take her shopping, but that was a no-go.  So, we went back to the hotel and cuddled by the window.

Yesterday morning, she got up to a present, breakfast downstairs at Starbucks (where I had my first caffeine of the pregnancy!  WAHOOO.  I seriously miss coffee more than beer.  Who’d of thought that???)  Then we headed to the Georgia Aquarium for the day. 

We love that place, and haven’t been since Avery was about one, so it was a new experience for her!  She absolutely loved, loved, loved it.  She went bananas.  Her love of animals is so cool to us and we try to nurture it as much as possible.  Anyway, the aquarium rocks!  It’s the largest in the world!  That’s a shitload of marine life/aquatic animals to see.  Plus, they have the Titanic exhibit there right now, which was very, very interesting.  (And supposedly haunted.)

I’ll spare you most of my 179 pictures from the aquarium.  Although, I’ll tell you some of the highlights…  She got her face painted with a butterfly (which she promptly smeared everywhere and had to have redone,) she got to touch sting rays, sharks, sea anemones, starfish and crab, she got to go behind the scenes to see the penguins (their exhibit has been closed for a bit while they build the new ginormous dolphin habitat,) play in a super cool ocean themed indoor playground, went to a very cool 3d movie and she bonded with the alligators.  Seriously.  They followed her everywhere she walked when she was at their exhibit…  She is her mother’s daughter.  I think she just loved seeing all the fish the most, though.

After a very tiring day at the aquarium, we headed home (she actuallynapped…  the child quit napping when she turned two!)  When we got here, Mom had the whole place decorated with streamers and we made her requested carrot cake cupcakes for her party last night.  (NO clue why she wanted them.  Of course, she wouldn’t touch them!  But, she had fun making them.  They’re hideous by the way…  Pink icing, red and yellow balloons and pink and yellow carrots with pastel sprinkles.  Don’t ask.  They’re fugly.)  We headed off to her favorite Japanese restaurant, where the in-laws met us, and we ate and ate and ate…  They came and banged their drums and sang happy birthday, then we went home and had our little family party. 

We had the fugly carrot cake cupcakes, ice cream, party hats and noise makers, etc…  Then she opened her presents.  And I must say, we scored big this year.  She’s been waaaay into her babies and we got her all baby stuff.  She is still practically vibrating with excitement over it.  Score for Mommy!  All the baby stuff wasn’t even on our list…  I had a last minute change of mind and loaded the buggy full.  Good call on my part.  Even Henry has enjoyed it, especially pushing the stroller.  I should have thought of this before.  They’ve been playing quietly.  Together. 

Look at that teamwork!  (Henry was very interested in that highchair.  He drove us freaking batty until someone put the damn thing together for him!)

Anyway, it was a spectacular birthday for the Princess!  I can’t believe she’s four years old.  My big, beautiful, sweet, compassionate girl.  Before I know it, she’ll be six, then eight, then ten, then a teenager!  Ahhhhh!!!!!! 

Okay, I’m off to polish off a hideously ugly, but oh so yummy, carrot cake cupcake.  (Shhh…  I also have half a bowl of cream cheese icing…  My ass will soon be joining my belly in the monstrously large department.)

P.S.  I don’t want to jinx it or anything, but, think I may be back.  However, I’ve said that before, haven’t I?  And I promise to try and catch up on some reading and the spreading of some comment love.  I’m waaaay overdue.

The Latest Craze in Fashion…

In case you weren’t aware, gloves are all the rage…  Especially green ones.

(And that’s after a few good scrubbings…) 

This is what happens when Mom lets the four year old do art so that she can nap.  Green gloves and bangs…  Which still makes me cringe.  Her hair was all one length.  Grrr…  I’d been letting those bad boys grow out for almost two years.  Do you know what a royal pain in the ass it is to let bangs grow out??? 

I think there’s a lesson somewhere in there to be learned…  Art supplies and napping moms don’t mix, maybe?

For A Good Time…

I had my first OB appointment today…  (I’ve been seeing my fertility guy up ’til now…  Guess I felt I needed to pay him for something, since we hadn’t written him out some of the biggest checks of our lives this pregnancy…)  It went well.  Except he did my yearly exam, too…  That part wasn’t so fun, but whatever.  At least it gave me an excuse to rid myself of the giant tarantula… 

I didn’t even mind the initial 1.5 hour wait…  Hell, I was out of the house and enjoying a little uninterrupted HGTV and several issues of Family Circle…   (By the way, did you know that you can cure a mosquito bite itch with Windex?) 

Then Kate Gosselin gave me an ultrasound.  Seriously.  She was Kate’s look a like, with the freaky hair and everything.  But, she was nice…  She didn’t roll her eyes once while making that bulldog bitch from hell face, smack anybody, growl or yell or obsessively scrub anything…  So the hair and face were the only resemblance.  (Unless she has a stepping out husband of Asian descent…)  I really wanted to suggest she get a new hairdo, but I decided that she must actually like Kate’s hair, so I kept it shut.  But that is seriously one fucked up ass hairdo.

Anyway, the ultrasound with non-bitchy Kate was fun!  The baby now looks like a baby and not like a guinea pig.  He/She was moving all around and we got some really cute shots for the fridge.  (Don’t you just love looking at other people’s ultrasound pictures?  You know you do.  Maybe I’ll scan them for you so you can tell me how cute the baby is, since you can clearly tell the baby is gorgeous from the ultrasound pic.)

The appointment from start to finish seriously took over three hours.  NO complaints from me.  Nope.  Imagine being so cooped up all the time that three hours of waiting in the doctor’s office is the best time you’ve had in a while.  That’s pretty bad…  I was in such good damn spirits, I even drove through somewhere and got a milkshake and whistled happy songs on the way home.  (Then I called the sitter to see if she could come and let me continue my leisurely afternoon with some fried calamari and a good book at a nearby restaurant while the Mister is at a meeting…) 

When I got home, so the Mister could go to his meeting, I found this waiting on me:

BFF Laura sent them to me!  With a sweet little note attached.  Gotta love coming home to flowers…  Especially from friends.  (Since those are the only people that ever send me flowers…  Did you think they were from the Mister?!?!)  Not sure why I linked her…  She never blogs anymore.  *hint*hint*

I also came home to this:

And this:

And this:

Looks like the kids had fun, too, while Mommy was living it up in the doctor’s office waiting room… 

You know what I’m going to do?  Not clean that shit up.  Nope, I’m going to sit my ass down, let the kids wallow in all their toys and hope that the sitter calls me soon so I can run like hell.  (And then bribe her with booze and extra money to clean it up for me.)

(Oh and did I mention Henry now has the tummy bug?  Yeah.  See, I really do need to run.)

P.S.  If you’re wondering what the lovely pink flamingo streamers are doing strung up over the bar, well, I’ll tell you…  It’s the latest and greatest of the new home decorating trends that I’m starting.  Like it?  You’ll be totally hip if you do it, too.  I promise…  No.  Not really. 

There’s actually a really cute story behind the streamers (there’s also a palm tree and a blow up seahorse hanging from the breakfast room chandelier…)  When Avery couldn’t go to her End of the Year Party Friday, due to the pink ladybug in her tummy (that what she calls it,) and cried hysterically about missing it, my Mom decided to surprise us… 

She drove an hour and a half with a car full of shit, saying, “Since Avery couldn’t go to her party, I brought a party to her!”  She showed up with streamers, balloons, cups, plates, decorations galore, grass skirts, parrot hats, party games, the whole nine yards, just for my sweet sick Princess to have her own party.  How freaking awesome is that?  It seriously makes me tear up thinking about it now.  (She must have been taking some serious happy pills that afternoon…)

And….  Mom walked in with her arms full of this stuff, with a big, bright smile on her face, ready to yell “Surprise!,” right as Avery was being put into time out for cutting her hair off…  Yeah.

Puke Girl Gets Crafty…

After spending the last two days knee deep in buckets full of puke and poop (not of my own…,) ear infections and all day sickness (both of those were me…,) I didn’t think we would get around to any special treat making…  However, being the sweet and ever thoughtful child that my little Princess Avery is, we couldn’t let her request for all of her school friends to have a special goodie to take home for the last day of school go unfulfilled.

So, the Mister and I got out the pans and made these adorable little flowers about ten last night…  We were up for a little while, but they didn’t take too long.  She is going to be so excited when she sees them!  (She wanted to help, but I wasn’t going to contaminate them with sick germs, just in case.  “Happy Summer, here’s a case of the shits for you to enjoy!”  No way.)

Now if I can just get them to school in time… 

(See!  Told ya I was starting to feel better!)

ETA:  The Return of the Tummy Bug has hit this morning and Avery is not going to be able to go to school.  She is bawling, poor thing.  I called her teacher because I have to get the goodie bags and the teachers’ gifts to them… And there is an End of the Year Cookout today that I have all the drinks for…  Ugh.  I’m just going to meet the teacher at the playground, where the cookout is, and drop it all off.  Poor Avery!  I feel soooo badly for her.  I could cry right along with her.